Haiku Sonnet: Waiting for You
Posted on April 20, 2008 by joefelso
Afternoon dwindles:
the sky gathers birds flying
to some unseen rest,
the evening sun
amasses on surfaces
like condensation,
as if the inner
light of objects collected
like dew. A life so
infused—remembered,
revealed—would drown desire
at last. It can’t last—
doors open to love’s return,
the body of night.
Filed under: Basho, Birds, Gratitude, Haiku, Haiku Sonnets, Life, Longing, Mortality, Musings, Poetry, Sonnets, Thoughts, Time, Writing
D
just on the first reading–
“to some unseen rest,”
didn’t really work–I was looking for something more concrete–but reading it again–maybe not. What do you think?
I’m not sure. I always prefer the concrete to the abstract (but have trouble writing an entirely concrete poem). I might like something else there, but I don’t know what. I’ll keep thinking. Perhaps an alternative will come to me. —D
I read this poem like a drink of cool water - it slides smoothly toward dusk. Evanescence of light, days, life, but hope returns with love at night. The 4th stanza made me stop and think awhile, reread. That’s always a good sign. Lovely poem!
Thank you. A thin line separates poetry and poeticism. The only thing that saves me from the latter is speaking as directly and simply as possible. Even so, some lines won’t cooperate and insist on being difficult. I know what’s BEHIND “remembered, revealed”—but I’m not sure it’s IN the line. I guess you can’t know that. You just do the best you can. Thanks for commenting. —D
“the inner light of objects collected like dew”
“A life so infused-remembered, revealed-would drown desire at last. it can’t last-…” these lines reverberate. i love the idea of light of objects collecting like dew, magical, as is evening fading light on surfaces and how it seems to originate from within objects. This is a beautiful poem, like a grace note. G
The idea of objects holding their own light was where this poem started for me. You always seem to home in on the core of these poems. It’s remarkable. Thank you. —D
Beautiful. The poem echoes how I sometimes feel and want to capture in words. You seem to have somehow done it for me.
What a wonderful comment—what writer could hope for more? Thank you! —D