What do they say about wishes and horses?
Most people have plenty of wishes—they want to be rich executives, or famous performers, or skilled artists, or successful something elses, but fulfilling ambitions doesn’t rely on desire. Success comes from action, and more than simply practicing or working hard. While an author or actor or athlete might still occasionally be “discovered,” some element of self-promotion seems necessary. “You have to put yourself out there,” people say, or “If you don’t believe in you, who else will?”
I have these thoughts when I try to account for my status as another unpublished writer in America—or think about my more dubious identity as a blogger. Though I “practice my craft” relentlessly, I can’t be taken seriously until someone else agrees to the quality of my work and says he or she will pay for it. Until then, I fall back on self-definition, trying to convince myself that I have enough skill and experience as a writer to say I am one.
And though a person in my position would love to say he or she doesn’t care about publication, admiration, or remuneration—while he or she may say the writing itself is its own reward—no one can entirely believe that. They might ask who would write—or paint, or make music, or do anything directed out into the world—without wanting to be seen and heard. They might say only those who haven’t tasted success say it’s unimportant.
If my wishes were horses, I’d have ridden ten thousand miles by now. Truth is I’d like to be published, but the moment arrives when I have to send my work away, and that moment passes. I’m missing the active part of ambition, the will to seek ratification or affirmation. And self-promotion—telling the world how worthy my work is—just makes me sick. Let’s face it—it either is or isn’t, and my saying which makes very little difference. Millions of people are like me, and it’s hard to believe I’m special.
You can attribute my hang ups to fear of rejection or to fear of success—or to my mother—but any hypothesis is academic. Who is going to dig that far?
Yoda said, “Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try,” and I do not.
Filed under: Ambition, Angst, Blogging, Buddhism, Culture, Doubt, Essays, Frustration, Human Nature, Humility, Identity, Life, Longing, Musings, Publication, Thoughts, Writing
